Wild World: Lonelienss
The world is a weirdly strange place,
Shaping us in ways we never could have imagined,
Putting us in places we could only dream of.
The loneliness seeps in slowly until you realise you are alone. Without another soul to call when things get tough.
People become shadows in your life; there one minute and gone the next.
I always seek out nostalgia and spend hours in my head dreaming. Imaging. A self-protection of one's character, too scared to open myself up to others. Now I’m wearing my mask so tight, that I'm unsure of where to start in the process of removal.
Each person I know: knows a different version of me. It is not something I willing to adhere to. Something that happens without my knowledge, hoping to drip-feed my real self into our relationship. But they never last that long.
I’ve been thinking perceptibly about loneliness, something that has always passively been in my mind.
The way life pans out through media, a strong core group of friends together through school and beyond, is something I never had. Waiting for university for me to find my own, and even so, it didn’t last. The moments where I felt a part of something, I still felt on the outside. As if, if I wasn’t there people wouldn’t necessarily notice. Not to sound inadequate. Feeling like I blended in so much I had become a merge of so many others within the same circle. The anxiety creeps in and I fail to leave the house, I lose contact and I am unable to express why. I find myself isolated again.
Instead of putting my solitude to good use, I waller in my own self-pity, until I make friends again. The cycle continues.
People's worlds rush by me and I look through them in envy, collecting items of lives like an art dealer. I am still trying to figure out who I am exactly. Why can I not be myself, how can I be myself when I am not sure who I am?
Navigating life through my twenties hasn't so far been an easy ride. I see the world more like a child than ever and I only truly notice this when I look at the vast maturity of my younger siblings. As they age up, I feel I have stayed the same in my mentality. Neglecting my mental health and care for myself to the detriment of life.
Time heals people and pace lets us grow,
for the loneliness to seep in, I held the door wide.
To close the door isn't to hide a new form of protection.
One where I allow myself to show the real me and live comfortably and graciously. Happily knowing what it is to be me.
Laters.